I often think of life in seasons.
Not the distinct and extreme four seasons we experience in Canada. Not the opposite and disorienting seasons that exist in the southern hemisphere (christmas music in 40 degrees next to a beach is the most confusing thing ever). Nah, I’m talking of how life carries seasons of growth. Seasons of letting go, of embracing the mess that is life, of chasing after things, of rest. Seasons of being really fucking human.
Eight months ago was the beginning of a season of becoming for me - naturally after constant seasons of pain, a pain that I was certain was impossible to crawl out of. I had set up camp in being a victim of the circumstances I was born into and endured the storm. It took years to realize that I didn’t have to endure it - that, in fact, setting up camp there was a choice and I could choose otherwise. Anxiety is a signal and I was learning to listen to it.
So with my feet planted in my small town of Salmo, British Columbia, Canada, where my roots had grown for 23 years and intertwined with the roots of 1000 others I shared this community with - I started to pay attention to the fact that my head and heart were elsewhere. I craved so much of what I knew the world had for me that I could no longer reach standing in our valley nestled in the mountains. With the help of a life coach, I had spent months doing the work, the inner work, the hard and intense and often confronting work - shedding layers of who I used to be to make space for who I wanted to become. I worked to let go of old stories of who I was, how I did things, what was holding me back. I started to recognize why I responded to things the way I did, why I was attracted to men that were emotionally unavailable and kept me at arm’s length, and why I was so scared to break this pattern. I became familiar with the treacherous, loud inner critic that wanted to keep me firmly planted in my old ways. And despite all of this, I was trying my damnedest to know that I’m worthy of change.
(Knowing this much about yourself is terrifying and hard and sometimes you don’t want to be best friends with yourself. But I promise you, through this journey you will develop a kind of self compassion and love that you never knew you could).
Sometimes the gap between where you are now and who you want to be is as simple as one courageous choice.
I didn’t want to be stuck, uncertain, and simply going through the motions of life. I wanted to be awake. I wanted to embrace the mess, and I wanted to inspire people to do the same. I wanted others to see what can happen when you let go of the stories that you’ve held on to for so long - the lightness that you can feel when you set them down and pick up things that are truly meant for you. I wanted to show others the magic that can happen when you take that ever so common blueprint of quitting your job, packing your life into a bag and carrying everything you need on your back, and leaving in order to seek. To find. To truly and deeply live.
The season that happened after I left everything I’ve ever known behind was one of intense uncertainty mixed with a fiery assurance that what I wanted was in New Zealand. I continued to do the inner work learning to let go of fear, of anxiety, of control, and just being. There were times my heart felt so warm while simultaneously having chills, with butterflies in my stomach and new mates or old mates next to me “tramping” up mountains. There were times that I’ve never felt so vulnerable or scared - times when the ocean felt so big that no matter how hard my heart was beating the waves drowned out the sound, when I've cried and wondered what I was doing and questioned why I left the people and places that knew me the deepest. And then there were times where I’m in the backseat, with my head on his shoulder, with two of the greatest people I’ve ever known in the front. We just spent the arvo at the beach and were driving home, with the sun was going down, singing to indie music, and all I could think was this is it.
Those feelings - they're all aliveness. They’re all humanness. And they are the point.
Sometimes the stories and circumstances life deals us can be intense - they can nestle themselves so deeply into your bones that you start to believe them. You start identifying with them, and believing that they’re all that there is for you in life. But cracks are how the light shines through. Life can be magical, and exciting, and wild. There are things out there that can truly light a fire in our bones, cause an avalanche in our chest. They are waiting for you - if only you can let go.
Be in awe of your seasons. They’re teachers. Thank them. Thank them for teaching you self love, and compassion, and to tread lightly. Then be intentional and get after a new one.
When I was deep in the process of figuring out how I was going to pull off moving to New Zealand, my aunt said to me, “Somehow a person has to jump into things they think are right for them and trust that it’ll all take shape.”
Make the choice. Leap. Trust. And know that this season is meant for you.