Mandy Huser - Process

january — the aching

i know time is slow —
that days feel like weeks
and you can't imagine how you will feel
in a month.
that you feel like you let them down
that you feel that way about a lot of people you both knew
and that feeling lives in your chest.

but i am on the other side.

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you had the courage
to let go.
you will have the courage
to start again 
to fill the space
again.
the anxiety
will be replaced
with magic again.

i know you are swimming in questions
in shame
embarrassment
loneliness
wishing that night was softer
on both of you

but you tried
so hard.
you loved
so hard.
you learned someone
in ways you didn’t know you could —
you showed up
as full as you could.
you asked 
for what you needed.

so, my darling, feel it all
let the questions come
look at them
let them expand
look beneath them
above them
behind them.
explore them. 

but don't try to understand.
not just yet.
you will soon.

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february — the shifting

going from love
to hate
in less than a month —
that.
is enough pain.
living in my chest.
to make breathing
feel foreign.

march — the learning

your season together
will stain your life of him.
but it will also show you
your willingness, your openness.
it will remind you
to keep learning
to keep asking
is this work mine?
or is this work ours?

april — the grieving

there is nothing I can
or want to
say
to this pain
other than
“ah, yes. of course. thank you.
of course you’re here.
this is how I know I’ve loved.”

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may — the calling in

“maybe I’ll meet a surfer” i say.

if he can sit with something as unpredictable and unstable as the ocean 

willingly 
throwing himself fully at the waves when they arrive
sitting with the stillness when they don’t
he will be a man of intuition.

if he can surrender to the rhythms of the ocean 
patiently 
not moving away as it ebbs + flows, instead
moving towards the uncertainty
he will be a man of security.

if he can spend time alone with his board and the ocean 
trustingly 
maybe he’ll be a mirror
of the inner knowing that we are grounded
we are whole on our own ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ 
but together

we can ride out what comes our way 
and rest in the moments
when we make it through.

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Mandy Huser

Mandy also shares her thoughts on life, growth, and meaning on Instagram. You can also visit her website.